I don’t know about you, but I am grossly disappointed in the nomenclature given to the female genitalia. We have such choice terms as tuna taco, beef curtain, bearded clam, and vertical bacon sandwich. Come on, really??? These names in no way conjure positive imagery in the cinema of one’s mind. The terms that do not necessarily have to do with juxtaposing food and hair are not much better. Some women choose to refer to their vagina as their “flower,” as if it is a delicate beauty that is to be admired. If you’ve ever looked at one in the mirror, you know that this is not the case. A long-stemmed rose is definitely NOT what stares back at you from the nether regions. Plus, putting the female genitalia on a pedestal like this makes it all the more tragic when the delicate “flower” is destroyed by an orgasm seeking missile. Finally, I would be remiss if I did not address what I consider to be the mother of all vulgarities in the English language, the “c-word.” What’s funny to me about the word cunt is that when I hear it, I don’t even think of the female genitalia. I think of Martha Stewart.
If we look at the different ways to say “penis,” there is something very different going on. Our penis slang includes such gems as the great American mandingo warrior, the one-eyed monster, trouser snake, package, tool, unit, Johnson, peter, dick, and willy. Here, it is apparent that the nicknames for the male genitalia carry with them a feeling of power or humor. Penis nicknames mainly come from animals, things you buy at the hardware store, and actual men’s names. None of these carry with them the negative connotation or disgusting imagery associated with the hairy ax wound. This doesn’t seem quite fair now, does it? There has to be a solution to this problem, and I think I might know what it is.
If I may briefly digress, I would like to share a story that my pervy seventh grade health teacher told us that holds a very special place in my heart to this day. It was the story of the Warm Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…Oh wait, that’s not it. Ah, yes. Here it goes. Once upon a time, everyone was given a bag of Warm Fuzzies when they were born. They could then go around giving each other Warm Fuzzies, which made everyone feel good. One day, an evil witch introduced the idea of jealousy and greed into the community. She told the people that they should not give of the Warm Fuzzies so freely, or one day they would run out. The people heeded her warning, and instead began giving out the Cold Prickles that the witch had supplied. These made everyone feel very unhappy. The people thought that there was only a small supply of Warm Fuzzies left, so they started doing whatever it took in order to get their hands on them. Warm Fuzzies were like crack in that small, sad community. People were even dressing Cold Pricklies up as Warm Fuzzies in a feeble attempt to get a fix. Laws were passed to limit the giving of Warm Fuzzies and protect the dwindling supply. However, despite the law, the children had learned from a wide-hipped newcomer to give each other Warm Fuzzies whenever they felt like it. Giving happiness and warmth through Warm Fuzzies prevailed, and all was right with the world again. We all know that there is no end to the supply of Warm Fuzzies in the world, we just have to want to give them.
I like that story. And it brings us to our solution. Instead of referring to the female genitalia using the above mentioned terminology, we should instead refer to it as the “Warm Fuzzy.” What a great name! It’s cute, fun, and inviting. Much like in the story, there is, in fact, an endless supply of Warm Fuzzies in the world today. We just have to be willing to give them out. Just think of how many people would derive pleasure from free exchange of Warm Fuzzies in our society. In addition, I think that the introduction and acceptance of this new nomenclature would be empowering for women. I look forward to giving my warm fuzzy to others in order to make them feel good. In fact, if someone wanted to put their cold prickly into my Warm Fuzzy in order to melt their unhappiness away, I would not be opposed. Maybe a working girl can win…