…And Good Will Toward (Chinese) Men

According to the 2010 Census, there are now more women than men in the United States.  It’s already hard enough to find a good man in this day and age, and now I come to find out that there’s even more competition out there.  China, on the other hand, is experiencing the opposite quandary.  Because of the one-child policy, the men in that country now grossly outnumber the women.  According to recent statistics, the ratio of men to women is 117:100, and it is projected that there will be 30 million more men than women by 2020.  I at least hope this means that Chinese women have the luxury of choosing the creme de la creme when searching for a mate, as we American females have been relegated to scraping the bottom of the proverbial barrel.

I can’t help but think of how nearly 30 million Chinese men are being denied a happy ending because of the increasing gender disparity that exists in their homeland.  As someone who frequently speaks out against social injustice, I feel compelled to do something to help. My solution is to embark upon a goodwill mission to China and give blow jobs to all of the single men who reside there.  I know that this sounds like a daunting task, and it might take quite awhile to complete, but I must do my part to bring sexual pleasure to those in the world needing it most.  I can just picture them lining up on the banks of the Yellow River to receive my charitable donation.  A weaker person might not be able to handle such an undertaking, but my resolve and deep empathy for the plight of the Chinese man drives me.  It’s not their fault that they were born into a society that believes in population control.  They did not get to choose whether or not they were born with a penis.  They are merely victims of circumstance, and it brings me great joy to know that I can briefly shine a light into the lives of those who are forced to live in sexual darkness.

Of course I’d be lying if I said that my willingness to do this wasn’t at least a little bit self-serving.  As I wrote in my last post, it has been difficult for me to find meaningful intimate contact in the state of Florida.  Throwing myself into a project such as this will help to take my mind off of my own woes, giving me something productive and important to do as I search for the Holy Grail of breast-shaped islands where I hope to find Mr. Right (or Mr. One Night).  Having said that, regardless of my motivations, the men of China need me, and I will not let them down.

I only hope that my mission will inspire others around the world to follow in my footsteps.  Perhaps in doing this, I will be named U.N. Goodwill Ambassador to China.  I look forward to joining the ranks of those who have come before me in giving of themselves in foreign lands in the name of helping others.  These modern heroes include U.N. Goodwill Ambassador to Haiti Danny Glover and Madonna, who has selflessly cavorted with several international men of mystery (and did some good stuff in Africa, too).  I will anxiously be awaiting Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon’s call.  Maybe a working girl can win…

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The Reverse Bikini

Lying out in the sun has always been one of my favorite pastimes.  Even growing up in Cleveland, a city that only gets about 24 days of sun per year, I learned the finer points of being a sun goddess at a young age.  Now that I live in Florida, I relish the fact that I can frequently use the state of the art pool and hot tub facility nestled behind the clubhouse at my apartment complex.  I love soaking up the rays next to the sparkling blue water.  Especially when it is unbearably hot.  There’s something about frying like bacon and struggling to breathe that makes me feel alive.

One recent sunny day, I entered the pool area looking forward to an action packed and stimulating afternoon of worshiping that great yellow ball of fire in the sky.  I couldn’t wait to inhale the fumes of the tanning oil as I became a toasted coconut, listening to my iPod, and taking intermittent dips in the pool to cool off.  Clearly a very regimented routine.  As I made my way to a vacant chaise longue, I passed a couple of pimply, pre-pubescent junior high school boys.  I heard one of them remark, “If I wanted to see waves, I would look at the ocean.”

I do not consider myself to be obese by any means.  However, I have developed a few strategic problem areas from habitually drinking my body weight.  While I try to stay active and have the goal of getting back into bounce-a-quarter-off-my-ass shape once and for all, I feel that I have a healthy self-esteem.  Though I didn’t exactly let the obnoxious 12-year old’s comment get to me, I did take pause, thinking that it would be nice if I could hide those problem areas while still being able to get some good sun.  In fact, what I pictured in my mind’s eye as I was sacrificing my epidermis to the sun god Ra that day was a bathing suit that we women who have less than perfect bodies could proudly wear, allowing us to hide the body parts that shouldn’t see the light of day while accentuating our assets.  Hence, the Reverse Bikini.

Please try to envision what I am about to describe in all of its glory.  The bottom part of this innovative swimwear would come about a third of the way down the thigh, covering the saddlebags and cottage cheese thighs that so many women exhibit.  Now mind you, this is not your grandmother’s bathing suit, so I’m not talking about the granny skirt variety of covering these areas.   Instead, this would be more of a boy shorts underwear-style bottom made out of your standard bathing suit material.  The piece would then extend up to the midsection, taming the wild muffin top with a Spanx-like ferocity, and stopping near the diaphragm.

Now here’s the kicker.  As this is not granny’s swimsuit there are a couple of modifications that need to be made in order to give it a youthful feel while allowing a lady to show off the areas of which she is most proud.  First, there will be a hole in the pubic region of the suit.  This way one would be able to show off her own personal grooming style, whether it be Brazilian, the landing strip, a cute heart shape, or even the increasingly popular vajazzling.  Let’s face it, ladies, we spend a lot of time and effort making sure things look nice down there, especially during bathing suit season, and more people really should see the fruits of our labor.

In addition, it is important to mention that there is no bathing suit “top” per se, but merely straps that extend up from the bottoms and over the shoulders in order to keep the garment firmly in place.  Thus, all the goodies are out there for the world to see.  For those of us who are especially proud of our breasts, being able to show them to the world without the restrictions of the bathing suit top is a good method for building self confidence.  I mean, really, who’s going to notice anything else about your body when you have a great rack and it’s hanging out?  And those babies deserve to breathe.  Just imagine how the compliments will be flowing.

Overall, I feel that implementing the Reverse Bikini into the sun bathing world would allow a woman to showcase her strengths, both up top and down below, while deemphasizing her “opportunities.”  Not to mention the fact that it provides easy access in case one happens upon Mr. Right (or Mr. One Night) while sitting poolside.  I can’t wait to break out my Reverse Bikini this summer.  What about you?  Maybe a working girl can win…