Masturbation: There’s An App For That

I have to say that one of the best inventions that I’ve come across lately is the Period Tracker app. My best friend told me about it after downloading it for her iPhone. It allows you to do just what the name implies: keep track of that crazy bitch, Aunt Flo. The way that it works is you enter the date of the arrival of your monthly visitor. It then tracks when your next one will arrive, as well as gives insight into moods, fertility, and various PMS symptoms.

This is phenomenal! I’m generally too drunk to know what day of the week it is, let alone where I am in my menstrual cycle. I cannot express the amount of comfort I can derive from now knowing that my boobs are not tender and swollen because I am pregnant, that I’m not irritable because I’ve been sober for an entire eight hours (which, heaven forbid, may indicate a drinking problem), or that my nether regions hurt not because I blacked out and fell down on someone’s dick, but because my period is coming. This peace of mind is unparalleled.

Though I cannot help but think that it may be unfair that we ladies have a monopoly on tracking our bodily functions. It’s bad enough that so many men suffer from period envy, wishing that they, too, could not only experience the miracle of childbirth from the stirrups instead of holding the video camera, but also feel bloated, irritable, and like their uterus is being ripped out once a month for 40 years. They also secretly want an excuse to eat more chocolate.  Let’s be honest.  Who doesn’t?  Thus, I feel that the best way to achieve equality in the app world and marginalize gender bias is to create an equally important app for men: the Masturbation Tracker.

What I’m thinking is that this revolutionary app would allow men to enter the time and date of each instance of self-pleasure. If they choose, they could also enter details pertaining to each occurrence, such as where they were, what they thought about, and if they used any outside stimulation or techniques (like porn, or the “stranger”). The tracker would also keep a running tally of the number of sperm that the user has blown. Of course, as all vas deferens are vastly different, this part of the app would have to operate using an average, let’s say 60 million sperm per load. As I find comfort in the information garnered from the Period Tracker, men can bask in the same comfort knowing that none of those sperm have inadvertently become offspring.

Oh, what a glorious world it would be.  While at happy hour on a Friday, men could compare masturbatory experiences, perhaps even crowning a new King Ejaculator each week based on whose running tally is the highest. I can just picture the conversation now.
“Hey, Bill, how many sperm did you blow this week?”
“Well, according to my Masturbation Tracker, approximately 240 million.”
“Only 240 million? Ha! I’ve got you beat. I blew 6 billion.”
“Wow, Pete! That’s a shit ton of sperm. I’m impressed! You’re this week’s Ejaculation King. Great job! Your drinks are on us tonight. You can probably use a cold beer to loosen that kung fu grip.”

In sum, we women are quite fortunate to have the Period Tracker to aid in assuaging our fears of pregnancy, alcoholism, and having been blacked out during what could have possibly been the best sex of our lives. We are also blessed in being able to get together to discuss and commiserate about our hustle and flows. Here is my modest proposal. That men also get to delight in such an important bonding experience. Call me an idealist, and do with it what thou wilt.  It seems that in the world of apps, at least for now, men are the ones who need to break through the glass ceiling when it comes to tracking disgusting things that come out of the human body. Maybe a working girl can win…


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