An Immodest Proposal

Because “A Modest Proposal” is my favorite satire and I just couldn’t help myself…

For Preventing the Fetal Tissue of Unwanted Pregnancies in America from Being a Burden to Planned Parenthood, and For Making It Beneficial to The Public

It is a melancholy object to those who move through the cities and towns of this great nation to see the bars, malls, office buildings, and high schools crowded with sexually active females, all in distracting clothing and importuning every male who passes to satisfy their uncontrollable libidinous desires. These women, instead of being able to work for a living or complete their education, are forced to employ all their time traveling, sometimes a great distance, to and from the abortion clinic for the multiple trips required before the procedure can be completed, and for the multiple abortions that are inevitable when one acts with such reckless sexual abandon as to indulge the pleasures of the flesh outside of wedlock.

I think we all can agree that disposing of what must be a prodigious number of fetuses is a great grievance to Planned Parenthood; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these fetuses useful, would deserve so well of the public as to have their countenance forever emblazoned on the signs of anti-choice protesters.

But my intention is far from being confined to helping Planned Parenthood solve this conundrum; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in to benefit the whole of society. As to my own part, having never considered this important subject until the Planned Parenthood video sting operation as of late, I propose an alternative to disposing of fetal tissue through the usual state approved methods and perfectly legal donations to medical research. I shall now therefore humbly propose my own solution, which I hope will not be met with the least objection. I offer to public consideration some areas of enterprise for which fetal tissue may be used.

First, I have been assured by foodies everywhere that a fetus is a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether fried or barbecued. I do therefore humbly propose that fetal tissue be sold to persons of fortune and gastropubs throughout the country. An entire menu of seasonal dishes can be developed along with festive holiday recipes good for any special occasion to be paired with a microbrew or fine wine. Perhaps donations to soup kitchens can also be arranged so that the homeless are allotted more resources and have the opportunity to partake in this delicacy.

Second, composting has increased in popularity over the years as our fair citizens seek to combat climate change and society attempts to reduce its carbon footprint. Adding nutrient-rich fetal material to our compost will only enhance the lushness of our gardens and plumpness of our vegetables and allow us to cut back on the purchase of hormone-laden produce from the grocery store. An overall win for the environment, it will also aid in eliminating emissions from disposal through incineration.

Third, art imitates life. Why not incorporate fetal tissue into pop art and fashion? It can adorn canvases, spice up street art by adding a little je ne sais quoi to the wheatpaste, give a new twist to performance pieces. The meat dress was so 2010. Why not wear a fetus dress to the MTV Video Music Awards this year?

I can think of no one objection that will be possibly raised against this scheme. Having been disillusioned for many years with lack of success in my visionary offerings, I am thankful to have fallen upon this proposal. As a vegetarian without a garden or cable TV, I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have no other motive to promote this necessary work than the public good of my country.

As Planned Parenthood is equally as likely to diversify into these areas as it is to illegally harvest organs for profit, my only hope is that distinguished groups like the Center for Medical Progress document these endeavors with the same signature creative editing techniques that were previously employed as they continue to show the public how truly credible they are in their efforts to further the conservative agenda. Maybe a working girl can win…

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